The product of a single-parent home, Melba* (name changed to protect her privacy) wanted to keep up with the trends. She constantly asked her mother to buy her the newest clothes and gym shoes. She just had to have it all. But mom wasn’t hearing it. The 1
That was unacceptable and the South Side high school senior found a new “sponsor” – her older boyfriend. Things were going great in the beginning. Melba’s hair was professionally done each week, along with her nails. She got the clothes and shoes she wanted. She even got a new cell phone. She was spoiled and loving it.
But she soon found out that all of it came at a price. Last year, Melba’s self-respect and freedom was gone. She was being abused. “Many elementary and high school-age girls see dating older guys as a means for independence.
The guys dangle carrots in front of them and they are hooked. They are looking for the things they don’t get at home,” Prairie District Chicago police officers Irish McCray-Jones and Ruth Singleton, both experienced with domestic violence victims, told the Defender.
Violence in youth relationships is not uncommon, but it is underreported, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, and it has no boundaries – spanning across all racial and economic lines. A board member of the NCADV told the Defender that statistical data on teen dating violence mostly comes from national surveys because the incidents are not reported to the police.
“One in five girls who have been in a relationship report that their boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm when presented with a breakup,” Lu Rocha, board member of NCADV in Chicago said, citing a survey by Liz Claiborne Inc. and Loveisrespect.org. Rocha and the officers said one of the main problems for teens in dating violence situations is not knowing the warning signs of an abusive relationship, and not seeking help.
Some signs to look for, they said, include: jealousy, controlling behavior such as checking in various times each day through calling or texting, isolation from family and friends, using force during an argument and explosive anger. Melba decided that her older boyfriend was providing more for her than her mother wanted to, so she moved out. She was an adult so her mother could not stop her from moving out. She missed many days of school and her grades slipped. She was also not communicating with her friends and other relatives like she used to and she often babysat her boyfriend’s child.
When things got tense between the couple, verbal and physical violence came into play. The girl’s mother noticed that something wasn’t right and reached out to McCray-Jones and Singleton. The officers are part of the police department’s Chicago Alternative Policing Strategies division and often spend time talking with youth in their South Side district.
“A lot of parents don’t know what’s going on, but some have a suspicion. We tell them to always pay attention to what their child brings into the home. If they didn’t buy it for them, and the child does not have a job, then question where it came from.
You have to start somewhere,” said McCray-Jones, who often hosts informal “Coffee Talks” in the Dearborn Homes public housing complex with teens and their parents about domestic violence among youth. The duo spent many days talking with Melba about the abusive relationship she was in, and how to get out of it. They offered her many resources to get help, but she refused. When the officers thought a breakthrough was near, Melba retreated.
They eventually lost touch with her. Melba is not alone. After each school day ends, young men in vehicles are lined in front of a school waiting to pick up their girlfriends. In every third vehicle, there is a “ Melba.” McCray-Jones and Singleton conduct seminars on violence and said too often when a teen sees another teen getting abused, they don’t tell.
They develop the ‘I will mind my own business’ mentality. “Early intervention is the key. They don’t have to suffer alone,” Singleton said. And while Melba was in her late-teens, some victims of dating violence are much younger. According to a survey by Teenage Research Unlimited, dating relationships and dating violence and abuse start by age 11.
Early dating with sexual activity appears to fuel extremely high levels of dating violence and abuse during the teen years, the survey found. One in 5 children between the ages of 11 and 14 say their friends are victims of dating violence, the survey stated. To help answer the call to an increasingly growing problem, the Chicago Public Schools unveiled a pilot program last year in six high schools to address teen dating violence.
The “Know More. Do More.” campaign, a partnership between CPS, CPD and the Nielsen Company, is the first of its kind in the public school system. It rolled out in October – “Domestic Violence Month” – at Fenger, Harper, Payton, Robeson, Schurz and Wells high schools. As part of the program, students receive education and resources on dating violence, and will host outreach activities at their school.
Students who participate in the program also receive community service credits, a CPS requirement for graduation. If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, please contact the City of Chicago Domestic Violence Help Line at 1- 877-863-6338.
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