As we continue to uncover why folks won’t pursue love, in a day where social media makes love connections available at your fingertips, our lens focuses on men.
Breaking news: “The Bachelor Finale Hits Season Highs.” What is it about a bachelor finding love that made 7.8 million people tune in to watch the big reveal of whom he chose as his mate? I am not speaking from a fan’s perspective because I know the show is staged reality TV. But there seems to be heightened curiosity among folks when a man loves a woman. At my family reunion, we were all trying to see who it was hanging on the arm of our trophy bachelor cousin. There were whispers and stares and looks of approval and disapproval as we eyed his chick from head to toe, as though she needed the family’s consent to be with him. Year after year, he is bombarded with the proverbial question: when are you getting married? Then, he finally shows up with a pretty decent girl who seems to be a good fit, but says they are only friends and declares she’s not the one. Is it that difficult these days for a man to find a woman who sets his heart on fire? Is he being too picky? He says he wants someone special in his life, so what’s the problem? He’s got it going on: handsome, well-rounded, successful, family-oriented, caring, and an all-around nice guy. Any woman would be fortunate to have the attention of this man. He is acquainted with some very outstanding ladies, but yet no committed love thing. So, I posed this question to a few brothers: What prevents a man from pursuing love? Here’s what they told me.
The first gentleman caught my attention at a training session. The 26-year-old law student was well-groomed, sat in the front row and asked a lot of questions. He seemed to have a vast range of knowledge and a go-getter mentality. I managed to have a conversation with him, and found him to be very personable. I shifted the topic and went straight to the question of why men don’t pursue love. He paused for a few seconds and personalized his response.
He explained that he simply doesn’t have time to invest in a woman because he is grinding in his career and being in a relationship would steal his focus. It might cause him to settle for a lesser dream because of the requirements a woman would place on him. At this time in his life, he is determined to stay on the course of his success plan. Later, he’ll come back to the relationship factor and hopefully find a woman that fits his dreams, at least, that is what people keep advising him to do.
In his mind, he is a little apprehensive that one woman would truly complete him. His experience of being rejected by his teenage crush won’t allow him to fully engage his heart in romance just yet. He admitted that his head is easily turned towards beautiful women but not for long-term significance. He is more of a one-night stand kind of guy. Surprisingly, he is a father of three, including a set of twins, and currently lives with the mother of his children but has no intentions of marrying her. He spoke highly of his kids and mentioned loving them quite a bit, however, when the charade is over, and the breakup with their mother comes, his kids will be the ones shattered.
The next gentleman is in his late 40s and had a lot to say about men. As we sat, side by side, at lunch, I felt as though I was with a teacher. He explained that there are three types of guys: boys, males and men. Boys are inexperienced with not much going on, and they don’t have a real understanding about women. They don’t pursue love because they don’t know what love is. They are easily infatuated and allow women to take care of them, like their mamas used to do. As boys, this is comforting to them and they relish being catered to.
Males, he says, are like dogs; they just go from this to that, sowing their oats, and whichever lady falls for them becomes prey. He’s not committed to anyone, it’s just a numbers game. Back in the day, they called this guy a “playa from the Himalayas.” The variety of women that he encounters excites and empowers him. He’s image-conscious and won’t pursue love because it takes the focus off of himself. The unfortunate part is most players die alone because they don’t know how to stop playing their silly games. Hence, the songwriter penned these lyrics from a child’s perspective, “Papa was a rolling stone. Wherever he laid his hat was his home.”
By the time these guys become men, they have messed over some amazing women who no longer choose to tolerate their behavior. Some men don’t pursue love because they are afraid that they might reap what they’ve sown over the years. They don’t want to be vulnerable; besides, it is too much work. They like being in control, strong, and solid. When they give their heart, they sometimes feel overexposed. Technically, they are ready to have a committed relationship, but their past experiences keep them from leaving the gate.
This last guy has loved and lost. He’s a widower. He had an amazing wife. They went through the storms of life and came out on top together and even more in love, but now she’s gone, and he doesn’t believe that he will ever find that kind of love again. And, he’s older, a little rounder, a bit less hair, more settled than years ago, and these attributes cause him to be somewhat insecure because he doesn’t know if he can measure up. His kids cheer him on wanting him to find a companion. He makes attempts, but nothing sticks.
When my mom passed, my dad was introduced to a really nice lady from church. My sister and I knew her and thought she would be a good match for him. She was vibrant, active and a little younger. Well, daddy was scared to pursue her because he felt she was high maintenance and would require too much from him. So, he turned his attention to an old flame he ran into at a funeral. It turned out that she had over-the-limit-baggage and children that were out of control. He ran so fast from her you would have thought he was Usain Bolt. He didn’t pursue another woman again.
No matter what the reason or the season, it is never too late to fall in love. With the right encouragement and direction, all of these men have the potential to be great companions. As mentioned in Part I, children are watching and imitating what they see. We put the spotlight on these guys because they are real characters. Parent leaders have to be intentional about what they demonstrate. It is not just about you. Men and women have to make necessary adjustments in order to be more suited for relationships. When you are contemplating bringing a significant other into your family dynamics, weigh it carefully. Let’s talk about what that looks like in Part III.
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