Chicago Spring is here!
And by Chicago Spring, I mean Winter’s mean older brother who pretends to be Spring once every two weeks, then points and laughs when we find ourselves caught on the Belmont platform in open-toed shoes.
The feeling Chicagoans have this time of year goes beyond seasonal depression and morphs into something more tragic and desperate, not unlike ennui. However, ennui evokes a stroll through Momartre on a windy, crisp Paris evening, where one can warm their chilly bones in a grimy café in the shadow of Sacré Coeur with a clean glass of Beaujolais and a dirty new lover.
What we feel in Chicago is much less romantic, closer to say, a WWE grudge match, where we face off with Mother Nature, not dressed in spandex, but in sixteen layers of wool topped with an old Bulls sweatshirt and a Canada Goose coat*. Yes, I used to live in Miami, a city that is warm and sunny year-round, where parrots fly and cocaine** is plentiful, but I moved back to Chicago because it is the GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD, (despite what the Schuyler Sisters think), and no matter how bitter cold it gets, no matter how wind-burned my face gets, no matter how many times I almost lose my pinky toe to frostbite because my sock got wet when my shoe got pulled off when I stepped in a snowbank up to my hip, I will NEVER leave Chicago, so DO YOUR WORST, MOTHER NATURE! And then I jump in the ring and slam Mother Nature across the back with a metal folding chair.
So, in the spirit of the season, I have written a poem heralding the Chicago Spring. I call it:
Springtime in Chicago!
The drabbest time of year
When we treat seasonal depression
With cupcakes, sex and beer
The sky a sickly shade of grey
The cars are white with salt
Why do we do this to ourselves?
The wind provides gestalt
We care not for fashion
Warmth our only devotion
Our hands are cracked and ashy;
in our despair we gave up on lotion
It’s 32 degrees
But before we start to mope
The CTA extends the heat!
Bros wear Cargo Shorts of Hope
No need to wait for weather!
Screw the vernal equinox
It’s opening day for Cubbies!
Let’s celebrate the Sox!
The MCA, The Field Museum!
The Institute of Art!
Let’s eat a hot dog at the Bean
And laugh and rip a fart!
Let’s go down to Hyde Park
I want to show my mamma
This is where the President lived
I’ll pretend I know Obama***
Let’s go see Greg do improv
Have some Harold’s with some Mild Sauce
Catch some jazz up at the Green Mill
And pretend to be a Mob Boss
Our tropical friends may visit
With their healthy tan and glow
But they shall never get to say
I live and freeze in Chicago!
*How TF are y’all affording these $1600 Canada Goose coats?
**I do not do cocaine. It was just a joke, mom.
***I do not actually know President Obama. (Barry, let’s hang out.)
Sheri Flanders is a comedian. Here’s a sampling of Black and Brown comedy shows in the Chicagoland area.
Check out the brand new Chicago’s Diverse Comedy Shows Facebook page! for ongoing listings
Dynasty Improv Mondays @ 8 p.m. at iO’s Mission Theater
Midnight in Miami at the iO Theater on Wednesday 10 p.m.
Too Lit For TV: Highly Recommended Friday, April 20 at 9:30 – 11:30 p.m.
The Revival Theater
Silly Point Sundays. The Playground Theater at 9:15 p.m. on Sundays. $5, BYOB
Matt Damon Improv every Sunday 9:30 p.m. at the Annoyance Theater
Ratas de dos Patas Tuesdays at 8 p.m. in the Small Theater at The Annoyance Theater
SHADE: An Actually Diverse Comedy Show presents Yo’ Mama at Stage773 on Mother’s Day, Sunday, May 13 at 2:30 and 7:30 p.m.
Encircle Variety Show 4/30 and 5/28 8pm at the Playground Theater
Apocalypse Comedy: A Showcase for the End of The World, April 14 doors at 6:30 show at 7 p.m. The Playground Theater
Middle School Dance, through May 17 every Thursday at 10 p.m. at Under the Gun Theater
Hot Lava: Frank’s Red Hot Springs April 14, 20, 21, 27, and 28 @8 p.m. at the Mckaw Theatre