When you need some advice don’t ask twice… Ask Dr. Karen!
Dear Dr. Karen:
I have been engaged for over a year and have known my fiancée for many years. In May we are supposed to tie the knot but I’m having second thoughts. A couple of weeks ago, my fiancée’s cousin (who is my best friend) was doing some work at her apartment. While he was there he took a break. He popped in a video that was near the TV. To his surprise it was a sex tape and my future wife was the star of the show. Of course my friend bought the tape for me to see. I’m a grown man and have seen plenty of porn before but not with my woman having sex with another man.
When she got home I confronted her with the tape. She told me the video was made over 20 years ago when she was a sophomore in college. What really got me was that she accepted money for doing this! She explained that the money was needed to help pay part of her tuition.
She seems sorry that I found out about the tape. I asked her why she never mentioned it to me. She said she was afraid that if I knew I would be upset. You think? It troubles me that she tried to keep this from me and I had to hear about it from my best friend. I feel like a fool. She says there’s only one tape but how certain can she be? How many other people have seen this tape? How many other things is she keeping from me?
Our wedding is coming up soon and this video is causing a lot of tension between us. I understand that this happened some time ago. I love her and want to get past this. I’m trying to handle this dilemma but it’s not an easy thing to do.
Dear Video Blues:
You said you have been with this woman for years so sex is not something new to her. There had to be other men before you. Is the fact the tape was not made with you the real problem? Or, are you embarrassed that your best friend saw it?
The video was made over 20 years ago while she was in college. I’m sure she is just as upset that you know about the tape and even more upset that your best friend (her cousin) found the tape. Why she even kept the video is dumb and dumber. This is something you will have to discuss with her. Also, find out if there are other skeletons hiding in her closet.
A loving relationship means finding a way to get through anything together. This is definitely one of those times. Unfortunately, love isn’t always comfortable.
Basically, You have pretty much shed light on your own dilemma. You understand the video was made a long time ago, you love her and you want to get past this. It’s understandable that your ego is bruised. If you don’t want to call off the wedding my suggestion is to put a band-aid on your ego and after the wedding make your own tape.
Until next week remember: “Never give advice unless you are asked for it”
***Disclaimer “The advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. Dr. Karen January, the newspaper and publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.” Due to the large number of letters received, there is no guarantee that your question will be published.
Dr. Karen R. January is an expert in youth development as well as male-female relationships. Her new book, ¨Lessons Mama Never Taught Me,¨ profiles 10 women and the mistakes they made in parenting, love and life. It can be purchased at Amazon.com. Please send your questions to Dr. Karen at firstname.lastname@example.org.